Mr. Right

And real you

Mr.Right, Jill Weber, Lifestyle

Mr.Right, Jill Weber, Lifestyle

Read “Mr. Right comes after self-esteem”.

Building a romantic relationship that enjoys emotional reciprocity can be accomplished. But be careful of pop psychology if it asks you to create an inauthentic version of yourself. After all, how will you find authentic love if you are not authentic?

Popular media circulates an abundance of self-help tactics to explain to women why they have not found the right match. Much of this instruction encourages women to either manipulate men into giving them what they want or guides women on how to be somebody that they are not. Forget “The Rules,” stop believing “he’s just not into you” and skip the rest of the self help confusion that purports to coach you on how to transform yourself into the perfect candidate to attract Mr. Right. The unintended consequence of this kind of lame advice is that if it is carefully followed it often means that women cannot be truly authentic with their romantic partners and promotes initiating relationships on false pretense. This kind of inauthenticity is antithetical to what actually brings women happiness and contentment over the long term—emotionally intimate relationships where they can bring their full selves to the table.

People who are genuinely happy with their romantic choices spend more energy working on their own self-development than on contriving to appear a certain way to attract love. Instead of focusing on playing the game to entice a future marital partner, put your attention on these five principles and, with time, the right match for you will present itself. These principles apply for any age—teenagers, young adults and those who are divorced and finding love the second time around.

1. Separate Psychologically From Your Parents
This is no easy task and many think they have done so when, in reality, they have not. As an adult, if you continue to allow your parents to meet all of your emotional needs then you siphon off some of the energy that needs to go into your romantic attachments. As much as possible, little by little, work to be independent of your parents. This does not mean you can’t enjoy their company, spend time with them and share what you wish with them about your life. But, it does mean working to become comfortable making your own decisions. Excessively asking for your parents’ opinion, reassurance, guidance or allowing them to control your life means you are not living for yourself. In addition, if you allow your parents to continually do the heavy lifting for your own life, then you will not be a whole person when the right match presents itself to you. Stepping into a romantic relationship believing that the person is going to take care of you in the way parents typically do can turn a healthy match into a toxic one. You have to be in control of your own life, self-aware of your goals, needs and emotions.

Read Part 2 of 2 here.
Mr. Right, Dr. Jill Weber, Lifestyle

Mr. Right, Dr. Jill Weber, Lifestyle

Dr Jill Weber, a licensed clinical psychologist, practices in the Washington, DC area. Dr Weber writes a blog for psychologytoday. com and is the author of Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy: Why Women Settle for One-Sided Relationships. Follow her on twitter @DrJillWeber
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