Quality not Quantity Counts In Bed

Understanding Partner’s Needs Sexiest of All

Quality not quantity counts in bedroom - HealthyLivinG Magazine

Quality not quantity counts in bedroom - HealthyLivinG Magazine

Many people operate under the notion that the more you have sex with your partner, the better your sex life is. As a result it is easy to carry around expectations that you are supposed to have sex five times a week, twice a day or every morning–whatever your own idea is of the “right” amount of times to make love. It’s similar to the way people come up with an ideal weight–if I weighed 120 pounds I would be perfect! Setting such a high standard is almost always unattainable, impossible to keep up and can lead to feeling unhappy, disappointed and let down. However, there is a way around this: stop counting the “how often” and start to focus on “how good.” It’s not always easy to shift from one pattern of thinking to another.

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The first thing to realize is that everyone has different sexual appetites. It is rare that the two people who make up a couple have the same desires. How often the two of you have sex probably depends a lot on the equation of your combined sexual energies and how you work around your different mutual needs. Typically, one of you may want to have sex more frequently than your counterpart. I see this regularly with my patients and one couple comes to mind. Stan wanted to have sex every day. His wife Ella thought that was way too much and started to feel like she was just his sexual object. Over time it became a burden. She was happy to make love two to three times a week, but even that amount made her feel inadequate. There was no way she could keep up with his hungry desire. It got to the point where he felt he was in danger of going outside the marriage and that’s why they came to me for help. He insisted Ella had a problem because she had no sex drive while she argued that he was oversexed. I explained to them that there was nothing wrong with either of them; neither one had the right or wrong amount of sexual drive. The positive shift came when she started to understand this and realized that his need for sex was just much stronger than hers. They were able to work out ways that she didn’t always have to be available for sex but might keep him company and wear a lacy nightie while he was pleasuring himself. This helped Ella understand that she was wanted for herself and finally appreciated that Stan was not looking to substitute their lovemaking for porn or being with another woman. While he could have done those things, he didn’t want to—he wanted to be with her. She began to believe that she was what he desired rather than being used.

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Sex can be many different things to each partner. It is a way to connect emotionally as well as a way to feel loved and cared for. At least as important, it is a way to feel considered; in other words, when your needs and desires are part of the decision of how often you make love, it helps you feel respected and appreciated. In addition, sex is a way to feel desirable so it gives you self-esteem. With all these factors at play, it is important to find a balance between yours and your partner’s needs. Without that, one or both of you will end up feeling rejected, neglected, deprived, or undesirable and that you are just being used like an object, because who you are and what you need has no meaning. What determines the quality of sex surpasses the actual sexual encounter because it is much more about what it symbolizes and means to each person. That’s why if one of you is too tired for a long lovemaking session but your partner needs that, if you agree to try an alternative–such as oral sex or keeping someone company the way Stan and Ella did—it can generate so much positivity because it is an understanding and a compromise instead of one person complying in resentment. When you have sex with your partner, the important thing is to feel you are making a choice to do so, not that it’s an obligation because you worry they will be angry if you don’t. If you are able to do that, it will eliminate the anger and resentment.

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It is important to recognize and accept that each person has a different pace and drive in the bedroom. If you are able to talk about this and work it out, both people will come away with a much more balanced sense of happiness, fulfillment, and the belief that their needs are being met. Most importantly, try to focus on the quality of the sex when you have it instead of calculating when you should be doing it again to ensure you have a healthy love life. It’s the connection when you are together, however often or infrequently, that ensures that.

Dr Jane Greer is a relationship expert, marriage and family therapist, author, blogger and radio host. She is creator of “Shrink Wrap with Dr Jane Greer,” a media commentary on what we can learn from the trials and triumphs of celebrity relationships. Dr Greer’s live weekly radio hour Doctor on Call airs every Tuesday from 2-3 p.m. ET (11 a.m.-12 p.m. PT) at HealthyLife.net. Dr Greer’s newest book, What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship, is available nationwide. Connect with Dr Jane Greer on Facebook, and follow @DrJaneGreer on Twitter for her latest insights on love, relationships, sex and intimacy.
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