Scientific Formula For Passion

The answer is always “yes”



Is it really possible to keep monogamy hot, or is hot monogamy an oxymoron? These and other questions were posed to 1,500 couples to formulate the essential steps to passion in a book written by Jo Robinson titled Hot Monogamy. Some of the couples’ responses in the book will not only delight but may also surprise readers as well.

One such surprise the book uncovers is that the couples with the most passionate sex life weren’t necessarily the ones with buff bodies or a salacious style; they were the ones with an electric energy between them that made you believe they had just discovered 10 more shades of gray.

Further research found that couples with hot monogamy did not fit any gender or age profiles; when it comes to sex, we are all just human.

Let’s delve into some of Robinson’s other findings.

There is a scientific formula for passion

Think of it this way: P=S2I. Passion equals two sexual beings joined by intimacy. If you only have the sex (S), you can have ordinary sex, even hot sex—but you won’t have passion. Passion implies a knowledge of one another—a deeper abiding connection of the mind, as well as the soul.

If you only have intimacy (I), you can have a loving friendship, even a deep emotional connection—but you won’t have passion.

Some people say, fine, I’ll take the sex, or fine, I’ll take the friendship, and truth is, if sex is all that is important to both of you—go for it. If friendship is all that is important to both of you— go for it. But you better make sure you are on the same page because the next discovery that hot monogamous couples know can ruin an otherwise good relationship.

There is an unspoken contract that can destroy good relationships

It’s never really verbalized, never said out loud, but many unhappy couples have an unworkable relationship contract that goes something like this: “I expect you to be monogamous; but don’t expect me to meet your sexual needs.”

If one person values intimacy over sex or just flat out disregards the sexual needs of the partner while expecting monogamy, how does that work? The answer is not well! Talk about a surefire way to build resentment.

You better make sure you have a workable contract or you’ll never have hot monogamy.

The answer is always “yes”

The following question seems like a no-brainer, but you might ask yourself: Is sex a realistic expectation in a committed relationship between two consenting adults using non-coercive lovemaking? Or, is it realistic to expect to have sex after marriage?

If you polled 1,000 people on the street, chances are the answer to this question would be a resounding yes. Most people would agree that sex is an integral part of a loving relationship— and most individuals truly want a healthy, vibrant sex life. How we get there becomes the question.

Well, here’s what passionate couples know. When one partner wants sex, the answer is always yes; having said that, if partner A determines the “when,” then partner B should have the privilege of saying “how.”

There are many ways to be sexual. There’s the quickie—just what it says it is. There’s making love, what most couples do most of the time. There’s romantic lovemaking which involves more time, more intimacy, more attention. And there’s adventuresome sex; this is where you push the envelope by initiating an element of surprise.

Realistically, what are we talking about? For most couples, it can take three minutes, 30 minutes or an occasional three hours to keep up the sexy side of passion.

Imagine how it would feel to be turned down sexually without any idea of when your sexual needs are going to be honored or taken seriously.

One woman interviewed shared: “I was spending far more time thinking about how to avoid sex than it took to enjoy sex once I got into it.”

Perhaps, this woman figured out the fourth concept that hot monogamous couples have been practicing for years.

Most women (and some men) don’t feel like having sex until they are already having sex

Admit it, how many of you, right about the time orgasm is imminent, promise yourself, “Ah, this feels so good, I’m going to have sex more often; I’m never going to hesitate again!” But then a few minutes after that blessed event, you forget everything you promised.

Here’s the problem. Infatuation tricks us. Under the influence of romantic love, those who are naturally motivated more toward intimacy than sex find themselves loaded with

Intimacy isn’t just about talking. Behave as if you understand. Let your actions speak the language of love.

sexual desire. Likewise, others who are naturally motivated more toward sex than intimacy find it easy to talk and listen as well as share their feelings. This is why lovers often marvel, “You are so easy to talk to; I’ve told you things that I have never told anyone else.”

The altered state of infatuation explains why passion runs high in the first year or so of a relationship. You have two sexual beings joined by intimacy. They talk, they laugh, they touch, and they make love by combining sensuality, sexuality and lots of desire.

However infatuation is a stage that is fleeting. Once this stage passes, each person goes back to his or her natural inclination, either leaning more toward sex or more toward intimacy. Hot monogamous couples know that passion requires a combination of both.

Without intimacy there will be no passion

There are four steps to intimacy; most importantly, you have to show up—face to face. Next, you have to be there for activities that are not only fun for you, but fun and meaningful for your partner as well.

Tune in, pay attention and focus. Quit the multi-tasking for the time being. And finally, tune out technology and turn on your attention. It’s not forever, it’s just for love.

Understand. Comprehend. “Get her.” “Get him.” Get it?

Behave as if you understand. Let your actions speak the language of love.

Intimacy isn’t just about talking. In fact, check out this next truth that hot monogamous couples know.

Talking makes many matters worse, not better

If intimacy is your strong suit and you enjoy talking as a sport, then the idea that talking can make matters worse might be foreign to you. But think about it.

You know those conversations that go nowhere. You know your lines; your partner knows his/hers. And the outcome is predictable but not productive.

Intimacy is far more than talking. It’s understanding. It’s knowing

"It’s important to clarify that we are truly talking about affectionate touching, as opposed to sexual stimulation."

when to talk and when to be quiet. It’s speaking one another’s love language—which is a good lead-in to our next point.

Men need two to three times more touching than women to feel an intimate bond

Skin-on-skin touching (S.O.S.) releases oxytocin, that magical bonding chemical that makes us feel pleasure, reward and the motivation to move closer to one another. Oxytocin also inspires monogamy and protection.

Estrogen enhances the effects of oxytocin; therefore women, who generally have more estrogen than men, get a sudden boost from the slightest touch or affection.

Testosterone, however, offsets the effects of oxytocin and this explains why men need two to three times more touching to experience the oxytocin bond that women feel much more easily.

It’s important to clarify that we are truly talking about affectionate touching, as opposed to sexual stimulation.

This next idea seems so obvious but it is too important to omit.

You have to take responsibility for your part in creating passion

Whether you are the person who carries the sexual energy or the one who who carries the intimacy, each of you has to take responsibility for his/ her part in creating passion.

This includes discovering how you get turned on sexually and making sure that happens.

It may also mean being intentional about initiating private conversations with your partner because you know it is an investment in passion.

Exploring sexually exciting activities though neither of you has a strong sexual desire may be just what the doctor ordered.

Initiating exciting activities outside of the bedroom to keep life stimulating is sure to guarantee more passion.

Now let’s look at the role of novelty in maintaining hot monogamy.

Novelty wakes up your brain—and libido

The human mind is programmed to pay attention to anything new or novel. When you encounter something you’ve never seen before, your brain releases dopamine, that feel-good neurotransmitter that gives you a hit of pleasure and motivates you to move closer and get more. Dopamine also increases sex drive. This is why passion naturally runs high in the beginning of a new relationship.

When you choose to be monogamous, you have to be intentional about creating novel situations given the fact that your partner doesn’t change. This doesn’t necessarily mean all the novelty has to be in the bedroom.

Having individual activities that make you a more interesting person can add surprising heat to your sex life. Conversely, a dull person makes the bedroom a bored-room.

Monogamy isn’t normal

If you take a broad look at the sexual practices of humans you will find that monogamy isn’t the norm; non-monogamy isn’t the norm either—variety is the norm. There is strong evidence indicating a significant percentage of the population is biologically programmed to be non-monogamous. This doesn’t mean they can’t be monogamous; it’s just not their inclination.

For the most part, monogamy isn’t about your inclinations but about your choices, your commitment, your values and the type of relationship model you choose to practice. Hot monogamous couples have chosen to explore the limits of passion within the confines of their relationships. They recognize that this isn’t the only way—but it’s their way.

Libido means “life energy”

Passionate people live passionate lives, and the passion spills over into the bedroom. Are you living a life of passion?

Surprisingly people often ask, “What do you mean by passion?” The following exercise will help answer this question.

Think of an activity that meets these five criteria:

Anticipation—when you wake up in the morning and you know you are going to do this activity, you get excited, you look forward to it.

Challenge—this activity somehow stretches you, tests you either physically, emotionally or mentally.

Absorbing—when you are involved in this activity you lose track of time.

Energizing—even though you may be physically or mentally tired after you do it, you are energized, jazzed.

Congruent—when you are involved in this activity you get the sense of “Yes! This is exactly what I need to be doing.”

Once you find an activity or activities that fit these criteria, you’ll be well on your way to a more passionate life as an individual. By using the same criteria, try to find two or three activities that you and your partner can do together as a way of creating a passionate relationship.

Libido means life energy; when your relationship has positive energy bonding you together, you can rest assured, you two will be well on your way to hot monogamy!

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